This summer is shit. I know it’s leading up to something wonderful – a year “studying” (read: learning to ski) in Canada – but I still feel, frankly, bloody miserable. I didn’t get my old job back, so funds are low. That’s fine. I’ve been helping out around the house a lot more, in order to earn my parents’ financial generosity. To be honest though, that’s not doing a great deal to help me not feel like a total waste-of-space failure.
Every day is looking pretty much the same to me. I’ve become full-blown addicted to my Gossip Girl boxsets to the extent that I have only two episodes left to watch and don’t quite know what I’ll do once I’ve watched those. I stay in bed until 10. This is unheard of for me. I am such an early riser. Even when I’ve been out on the lash I’m normally up by 9.30 at the latest. As a result, I feel lethargic and miserable for the whole day.
One positive is that I go swimming about four times a week, just to get out of the house for a bit. Which is good because, hey, what do you know, my doctor says I’m overweight. For fuck’s sake, I only went to go get the pill. Nice to know I’m too fat for anyone to want to sleep with me. Cheers, doc. So I’m a fat, useless, stupid bitch, or so my inner-self keeps yelling at me.
I’m, to quote Carrie Bradshaw, ‘an emotional cutter’. I torture myself with things – films, letters, books etc – that will cause me unbelievable pain. I read Brideshead Revisited about a month after my Oxford rejection. Smart move, L. Smart move. And yesterday, watching Gossip Girl, I opened up that hideous wound that I don’t think will ever completely heal again. It was the point in the series where it becomes clear that Blair Waldorf is rapidly losing her dream of attending Yale, the university she has aspired to since childhood. As if I didn’t see enough of myself in that character. I wanted to reach through the tv and cuddle her (and yes, I do realise how ridiculous it is that Gossip Girl has such an emotional effect on me). Cuddle her and tell her it’ll be ok, that she’ll be happy wherever she goes. But that horrid inner part of me says ‘that’s not true though, is it L? You weren’t happy, you aren’t happy.’ Because how can you function somewhere else when you’ve invested so much, for so long, in a place? Like Blair with Yale, Oxford was the place. I always supported them in the boat race, always assumed that was the place for me. Like Blair, I like to be in control. Losing Oxford (as if I even had it to begin with…) was losing control. I barely got my head together to pass my A-Levels. So what did I do after watching Blair Waldorf lose her dream? I revisited mine. I read the letter inviting me for interview. A point in my life where I was actually proud of myself, where I didn’t feel useless. A fleeting passage of time, before reality bit just before Christmas 2007. Three fucking years ago. I should be ok by now. But I’m really, truly not. I feel so ashamed to admit that, but I’m just not ok.
And now, whilst the fantastic friends I’ve made and the oppurtunity to travel means I cannot be truly angry with where I’ve ended up, I remain unconvinced that I’m in the right place. Yes, Oxford would be hard. 5 essays a week, endless stress. But you know what? I’d take the satisfaction of having to work my guts out to achieve every grade, than my current situation, coasting through to 2:1s with minimal effort. I don’t think it’s because I’m simply smart enough to do that, I think it’s because my university doesn’t push anyone, doesn’t expect too much of anyone.
I’m still a failure. I just thought I’d be at least half way to success by now.
you’re not a failure, seriously. I know it sounds easy for me to say, but you’re not. Yeah, RoHo may not be where you wanted to be originally, and yes, I fully understand the frustration of not-having-to-work – but you should take control now: don’t define yourself by where you are at uni – define yourself by other things.
For example, think of Canada. That’s something new and exciting you wouldn’t have got to do at Oxford; it’s going to be an incredible experience, I’m sure. You’ll experience and immerse yourself in a different culture, you’ll be in an amazing and beautiful country, depending on yourself for a year. I guarantee, you’ll change an awful lot. You’ll discover strengths and things you never knew you had, it’ll open your eyes. I’m really envious of you – spending a year studying abroad is something I’d really, really love to do.
And when you come back, I’m sure, you’ll be able to shake off the shadow. Or, another way of thinking about it is, if after the end of your degree you still really, really want to go to Oxford, whizz your way to a nice, easy-seeming (and it only seems easy to you because you’re so talented anyway) first from RoHo, and then walk back into that damn town and show them what they missed – and apply to do a post grad.
Also, *hugs* for the Summer-of-Nothing thing. My fatigue crap has returned; the job I’ve nominally got at the pub hasn’t materialised because they’ve currently got too many people on the list (I’m top of the waiting list for shifts apparently – great…) and apart from that I have nothing else to do except hang around waiting for W (currently in London, which is sod all use to me when I’m bored) to call. Oh, and reading Medieval Lit. Which is fun and all, but why can’t I read Agatha Christie instead?
more *hugs*, and if you’re bored and want something to do, even if that’s just a walk in the park and some general bitching about life, give me a call, yeah?
Cxxx
You and me both sweetheart. I don’t think either of us will be fully over the whole oxford thing. Oh love. Big love and cuddles to you. Can I make a suggestion? – Volunteer somewhere in southampton, there’s lots of charity shops and a charity-run art gallery too… It’ll get you out the house and doing something incredibly worthwhile. Or do a sponsored something, and aim to raise maybe £150? That’ll give you a goal, might make you feel more purposeful. Or learn to cook, I’m sure your rents would appreciate a nice homecooked meal when they get in for work and since you’re doing housework anyway …?
I’ll pop over for a cup of tea asap, promise – end of next week, are you available for cuddles??
Gee is bang on the money as far as volunteering goes. Last year when I was feeling shit as fuck (the year just gone, not my first year, that is) I volunteered at my local Oxfam and there were times when it was basically the high point of my week. Doing something useful and helpful and practical and getting out of the house. And (shhh) when genuinely nice clothes came in, I was the first to know. 3.99? That’s basically not quite two coffees. That’s not real money.
And yes – I echo Clare’s invitation. Haven’t seen you in far too long and would love to meet up to watch films and also I’ve been snaffling cocktail and punch recipes from magazines for a while and if I’m planning a birthday party I need testers…?
As for feeling like a failure, there’s really nothing I can say. In terms of your career etc there comes a point where it really won’t matter and that point is that your year in Canada will probably look a lot more impressive anyway. So from a practical point of view it’s not a worry. As for *feeling* like a failure… there’s nothing I can say. My summer is all resitty and shit, so from a completely different set of circumstances I feel exactly the same way as you. My hair looks shit, I’m still single, I’m still trying to complete my fucking first year, and I’m missing out on amazing work experience… to fucking revise.
Most of the time, actually, I feel OK. Sometimes it gets me down. And all I can say is, it will end. Not now, not next week, not this summer, perhaps, but we just have to keep on going and there will be a point where we aren’t failing any more. There’s nothing comforting I can say, really, except that you’ve made it this far. And you really are an amazing person, fuck the doctor you look gorgeous, and also I read an article recently which says that on average the older we get the happier we are. So it does all get better.
xxx
As scarily sad as that post was, I’m glad I found your blog. From TWITTER!
Hope you’re feeling better now, considering you’re in Canada!